I Broke...

so yesterday was the ex's bday and of course I was back and forth with myself bout what to do...well ppl I BROKE!! not only did I break my 60 days of no contact but I emailed him "happy birthday, Enjoy your day" ugh!! well ok I didnt actually commit the crime my dear best friend M did it! yup Im gonna blame it on her. u see she is good hearted person who is really nice and she allowed me to believe it would be "mean" not to say anything to the ex for his bday...and of course he responded...not only with a Thank you but he added my last name! M said thats not affectionate but it is it so is!!!! cuz he used to call me that!! my last name with a MIss in front of it! she is pathetic, i know thats what u r thinking...and i wont disagree with u...i am totally pathetic..u see I want him back...so badly....but I know he doesnt want me anymore because we both screwed up sooo badly...theres a big mess and noone can clean it up...its what i do i make messes..im a messy person...and well now I sit here wondering whatever can I do t0 get him back...and the ugly truth is NOTHING!! it is what it is... so 60 days must restart as of today...here we goo....

Decisions, Decisions...

so as the official week since we last spoke has now past...im left with the question of whether or not I should text or email the ex and wish him a Happy bday...of course im getting mixed reviews from all my friends. Im still on the fence as to what to do. A part of me wants to take the higher road (which to me is not to say anyting to him) while the weak lil pathetic me, wants to text him something like this " happy birthday (write his first and middle name). hope u enjoy your day, wish I could be there to celebrate it with you, i love u and hopefully next year I can be with you to celebrate your bday!"
yup thats what I would want to say to him but of course I wont!! for the overwhelming feeling that he will only not respond to me and if he does then all he will say is "Thank you" or respond really late tonite or even tomorrow or not at all!! yes well this is the battle im facing. and of course i know that his whatever she is that he is talking to has already sent him a msg and probably called him...whatever u know what im thinking bout that its so not fucking fair that he has many a times and most likely still does invade my fuckin privacy! my life to him is an open fucking book! while i have only inavaded his privacy on like 3 ocassions and when I did it was like i was the worst girlfriend ever meanwhile this asshole constantly looks at my things.
but anywayz, again im fine cuz im doing just great and dont need any of this shit and one day i will read all of these pathetic thoughts...
(sorry for the typos)

Just Realized....

So yesterday I didnt have school because there was a snow storm and although New England has snow storms all the time, for some reason they freak out when there is snow coming. I had so much reading to do and I didnt do anything, I slept for about 5 hours, was up by 8:30 wrote on my blog,bitched to my friend about my ex and proceeded to look at everyone's page on FB! I did make an effort I really did, you see I had my book opened the entire time! I had my highlighter out and my pen and my blank document opened up ready to brief those cases! but nope, nothing happened all I could do was OBSESS about my ex, about what an asshole he is and how the only reason he has called was to try to get me mad! and I was calm the entire time, I didnt make my rude sarcastic remarks to everything he said, I almost believed my "other self" when I was talking to him, even up until we had gotten off the phone and I stood at my window wide open with my hoodie over my head, lighting up Parliament after parliament, staring out the window as if though some answer would appear or if I kept smoking it would erase every memory we had together. So yesterday, I did just about the same thing I did the night before, except this time I had an entire day to myself, and since I have no cable (well I do but its basic cable and my tv is so small it shouldnt be called a tv, and oh thats right the ex refused to return my giant tv to me after I left) I chain smoked, took two showers, made breakfast at noon, then a sandwich at 3ish, then I decided that shit after all that obsessing and thinking and clicking stuff online, that I was tired and desrved a nap! yes thats right boys and girls a nap ppl in there mid-twenties need naps. So I took one for 3 and half hours! when i awoke i made more coffee, took a shower smoked turned my phone back on reopened my book and tried to read. All in all I must say it was a great day, I was truly and honestly stuck in my world and in my own head, oh yes I also re read emails and gtalks we had had with eachother reading every line as if though something new would strike me, I wanted to call him and tell him that he was wrong and he was making a mistake by not wanting tobe with me ever again. But I didnt because I dont truly believe anymore that we are meant to be. Before going back to bed I read parts of my book that I purchased the last time we broke, Its called a break up because its broken, and read all the ways to cope. It all sounds like shit to me. So instead Ill focus on school and hopefully become an amazing lawyer, move out of this state and one day when I wake up he wont be the first thought in my head. Im also going to start the "no contact for 60days" the only thing in the break up book that doesnt sound like shit to me for now.

Really????

so as I got of the phone with the ex, i wondered to myseld what the fuck did i really miss? someone who calls to get a rise outta me! no thats not it! the conversation was one of those fake ones in which he tells me that he is only calling to "see how you are doing" well asshole if u really wanted to see "how i was doing" u wouldnt have blown me off after the last time i texted u! he then goes on to tell me he is talking to somone new and that its fairly recent and that I shouldnt be upset because once i start really dealing with things that I ll understand. To this i responded that I was fine and that Im not upset that he is talking to someone new! I mean why would I be upset after 8 years of dating an 7 months after our break up that u are talking to someone new? and in a way I am really ok with it mostly because I feel that now I can move on, I now know for certain that I never want to be with him again! I mean the thought of him fucking someone else doesnt sit well with me, but shit thats life. I'm also fine with it because no matter he will never forget about me and when he brings the girl over to the apartment we shared together most of my shit is still there so HA! and every other immature thing I can think of! Its not that this other girl will replace me because I cant be replaced I'm too amazing and played such role in his life that she whoever she is will never achieve unless of course he marries her and they have babies then yes I will def be replaced! but its like when Mr.Big married Natasha (the idiot stick figure) he still wanted Carrie! and he will always want me! maybe not want to be with me but at least Ill be stuck in his head forever....well at least for now......