I Broke...

so yesterday was the ex's bday and of course I was back and forth with myself bout what to do...well ppl I BROKE!! not only did I break my 60 days of no contact but I emailed him "happy birthday, Enjoy your day" ugh!! well ok I didnt actually commit the crime my dear best friend M did it! yup Im gonna blame it on her. u see she is good hearted person who is really nice and she allowed me to believe it would be "mean" not to say anything to the ex for his bday...and of course he responded...not only with a Thank you but he added my last name! M said thats not affectionate but it is it so is!!!! cuz he used to call me that!! my last name with a MIss in front of it! she is pathetic, i know thats what u r thinking...and i wont disagree with u...i am totally pathetic..u see I want him back...so badly....but I know he doesnt want me anymore because we both screwed up sooo badly...theres a big mess and noone can clean it up...its what i do i make messes..im a messy person...and well now I sit here wondering whatever can I do t0 get him back...and the ugly truth is NOTHING!! it is what it is... so 60 days must restart as of today...here we goo....

Decisions, Decisions...

so as the official week since we last spoke has now past...im left with the question of whether or not I should text or email the ex and wish him a Happy bday...of course im getting mixed reviews from all my friends. Im still on the fence as to what to do. A part of me wants to take the higher road (which to me is not to say anyting to him) while the weak lil pathetic me, wants to text him something like this " happy birthday (write his first and middle name). hope u enjoy your day, wish I could be there to celebrate it with you, i love u and hopefully next year I can be with you to celebrate your bday!"
yup thats what I would want to say to him but of course I wont!! for the overwhelming feeling that he will only not respond to me and if he does then all he will say is "Thank you" or respond really late tonite or even tomorrow or not at all!! yes well this is the battle im facing. and of course i know that his whatever she is that he is talking to has already sent him a msg and probably called him...whatever u know what im thinking bout that its so not fucking fair that he has many a times and most likely still does invade my fuckin privacy! my life to him is an open fucking book! while i have only inavaded his privacy on like 3 ocassions and when I did it was like i was the worst girlfriend ever meanwhile this asshole constantly looks at my things.
but anywayz, again im fine cuz im doing just great and dont need any of this shit and one day i will read all of these pathetic thoughts...
(sorry for the typos)